Molly Potter shares tips on teaching consent to children so they can protect their own boundaries and respect those of others…
Our relationship with the word “no” can be complex. As children, many of us picked up the message that saying no, refusing or declining was not the right thing to do.
So with this in mind, how do we talk to children about the times when it is totally okay, or in fact, a good idea, to say “no”?
Consent is all about protecting our boundaries: the imaginary line over which people should not cross without first receiving permission.
With adults these relate to unreasonable expectations, inconsiderate assumptions and/or actions that intrude on our physical and mental comfort.
With children, however, the boundaries they might struggle with tend to relate to:
● touch
● personal space
● use of possessions
● not taking turns
● sharing others’ information
● exerting aggression
● ignoring “stop” or “no”
Confusion sometimes arises with consent when we think it’s just about empowering children to say no without defining the times that are not a matter of consent – such as when a trusted adult asks you to do something that keeps you healthy, safe or helps you learn/do something useful.
This can be explored with children by considering why adults ask children to do a variety of things. For example:
● Clean your teeth
● Go to bed at bedtime
● Help with the washing up
● Walk when you cross the road
● Tidy your room
● Don’t eat too many sweets
● Get ready for school
To teach young children about consent we need to consider the idea that some actions can make us feel uncomfortable.
To do this, I always start with the idea of hugs and how welcome they might be. I ask children to consider if they are always happy to be hugged.
I explore this further by asking if there are ever any times at home when they might not feel comfortable being hugged (e.g. when full of cold).
Also, I ask them to speculate about people they might feel uncomfortable receiving a hug from – like someone they didn’t know that well, someone who hugged them too tightly, or a stranger.
I then make it clear that if anyone touches them in a way they don’t like, they have a right to make it stop (and need to keep telling adults about what’s happening until one of them makes it stop).
I explain that permission, which can also be called consent, should always be sought for being hugged by others or hugging others at nursery and school. The same applies to all kinds of touching.
Next I explore other actions that might also need consent. As a general rule, if it’s an action that could affect another’s body, feelings or belongings, we need to ask for consent.
If it’s a choice that only affects us or that’s about being respectful or kind to others, it’s not usually a matter for consent.
I would jumble up the following and ask children if they think each action would require consent or not:
Probably needs consent (could make someone feel uncomfortable)
● Tickling someone
● Sitting really closely to someone
● Drinking water from someone else’s water bottle
● Sharing someone’s address
● Sharing someone’s news that they told you
● Making up and using a nickname for someone
Unlikely to need consent (very unlikely to make someone uncomfortable)
● Saying hello to someone
● Waving to someone
● Asking someone who looks sad if they are okay
● Deciding you don’t want to play a game any more
● Going and sitting quietly on a bench
I also spend some time considering the need to respect another person’s “no” when they say it, as this can feel like a rejection to some children.
I make it clear if someone says no, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you; it just means they are not comfortable with what you have asked.
If you respect them, they will respect you. Consent is all about treating each other with respect.
Finally, I play an experiential game where children practise getting, giving and respecting consent. I explain they are going to wander around the room repeatedly finding a new person to pair up with and taking it in turns to ask one of the questions below.
● Can I take your photo? (Ask them to smile and pretend to take their photo.)
● Can I give you a hug? (Give them a gentle hug.)
● Can I share your news? (Mime shouting to everyone.)
● Can I hold your hand? (Hold hands and skip for a few steps.)
● Can I borrow your pencil? (Pretend to take a pencil and mime writing their name.)
● Can I tickle you? (Tickle them on their forearm.)
● Can I comb your hair? (Pretend to comb their hair.)
● Do you want to hold this worm? (Pretend to put a worm in their hand.)
● Can I call you “buddy”? (Say, “Hello, buddy.”)
The person they ask can either give permission (in which case they carry out the action listed) or they don’t, to which the other child needs to respond with, “I understand.”
I use picture prompts to give a “menu” of the different questions. I finish the lesson by asking children to complete the sentence start, “Consent (or asking permission) is important…” in as many different ways as they can.
Teaching consent is key in helping children maintain respectful interactions within relationships as they increasingly learn to consider the impact of their behaviour on others.
When children understand and respect the need for giving and getting consent, they are more likely to become adults who will:
● no longer make assumptions about what’s acceptable
● have a clear idea of situations that require consent
● consider the feelings of others more
● feel more empowered to say no when it’s appropriate
● have greater respect for their own and others’ boundaries and comfort
When children first arrive at nursery, they can initially struggle with the changes in expectations of behaviour in school compared with home.
In other words, the boundaries with respect to touch, what’s kept private and who is allowed to help with personal care can change.
The best approach is to teach expectations through (brave) direct communication, such as, “We don’t touch ourselves between our legs when at nursery. That’s private – which means we don’t do it where others can see us.
Molly Potter is a qualified teacher and author of It’s OK to Say No.
Self-regulation in early years
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